I was told that I want approval. And the person seemed to get offended when I disagreed with them. I know myself better than anyone else does. But it’s their problem if they don’t like being wrong about me. What I do want is to be believed in. And so seen as a person. And so have what I say taken seriously. And have a positive interest shown in me and my passions. To go back to the title, I decided to give myself a new start by taking more control over my life. In that, I’m focusing my social life on a face to face basis, rather than on an online basis. And I bought a bike tonight. It is a road bike. I spent over an hour in the store talking to the sales person about the bike. He knows a lot about bikes. This a sports store. I felt like a person :-). The bike is for the triathlon and a physical expression of my belief in myself :-).
I registered my entry to this triathlon, today. The swim length is 400 m. The bike is 13.2 Km. The run is 3.1 Km. So it seems all manageable. Since my strongest thing is cycling, followed by swimming. And then running. I’m going swimming tomorrow, to see how far I can swim, at the moment. I have a bike, which was new a year ago. And I haven’t used at all. Since the person who put it together for me, put the saddle too low (He meant well). So I’ll look at raising the saddle, soon. Probably after the half marathon, I’m doing next Sunday. I watched the Outlaw triathlon, this morning. Makes the one I’ve entered seem “a walk in the park” lol. And one I’ll think about entering many years from now, if I ever dare to lol.
I’ve decided to enter the Blenheim Palace Triathlon in 2014. It may seem like a too large a thing for me to do, but I see it as something to aim for. And so stretch myself as it were. And in the process get fitter through the swimming, cycling and running training. It doesn’t matter, in a sense, how I do on the day. What matters, for me, is trying to do it.
On Monday 19/08/13, I walked from Brockenhurst to Burley. According to Google maps, it should have been 6.2 miles (just under 10 Km). But I somehow found a route that was more like 15 Km !. It was slow going and I was very relieved when I got to Burley. But I did 15 Km :-). I did feel I could go on, if needed. I wasn’t tired or had aching muscles, the next day. Once in Burley, I went on a horse drawn wagon ride, followed by a pint of cider, at the local pub.
I walked over 9 Km, in the park area round Brockenhurst. I only meant to do 9 Km today, but I somehow took a wrong turn , when I was in the forest. And managed to find the long way round back to Brockenhurst village. And so added at least 3 Km onto the walk lol. But I loved being in the forest. And getting lost, just made it an adventure. Being among the trees and ponies, I felt a stillness and connection with something bigger than me. Nowadays I’m not religious. I would describe myself as agnostic. But being in the forest was my ‘church’ as it were. In the sense of worshiping life, as it were. When I got back into Brockenhurst, I passed a hotel. So decided to treat myself to a meal and drink there. By this time, I had missed the last bus. So thought I would stay and a have a meal, before I caught the train back. The meal was really nice. So well worth the expense of it :-).
Below are pics of some cows and ponies, I passed on my walk.
That’s how my flat feels now. Because I spent most of today, un packing and then placing in the room, an oak wardrobe, I had bought a year or so, ago. So it feels like I’ve finally totally moved in :-). There was polystyrene in the packaging. Which got almost everywhere. So I had to vacum the whole flat, since the bits that weren’t covered in polystyrene, showed up the dirt more, when the other bits were vacuumed. The cats were unimpressed with all the commotion. So disappeared until all was quiet again.
I was feeling a bit lost and not important, before I went to the show. So I got there early afternoon, (it started at 8:30 am), I wasn’t going to stay long. I watched the heavy horses and pony club. Then wandered round the stalls. In the process passed the ring where they had the show jumping. I saw the horse and riders before they went into the ring. It was lovely being that close to the horses :-). I then decided to watch the falconry display. They were beautiful birds, with a cheeky Harris hawk who flew where he wasn’t meant to and took a long time to finish his act, as it were :-). By this time, I was getting hot and thirsty. So I went to refreshment tent. And had some strawberries and cream. And also some spring water. By this time it was around 4 pm. The Show finished at 6:30 pm. There were a few more horse related events happening, before the end of the show. So I decided to stay for them. I really enjoyed them :-). I got the bus back to the station, virtually as the show ended :-). The bus to the show was full of friendly people, who joked with driver, who joked with them :-). By the time I got home, I was feeling more human and self confident :-).
When I was 16, I went on a bike ride around the roads of my home town. I had got my cycling proficiency, when I was 11. I got home about 20 minutes late, to find that my mother had called the police, because I was late home. I was so embarrassed, because I was alright and didn’t need that kind of concern. But it and other things like that, made me doubt my ability and right to be independent. I am gradually regaining my confidence in my ability and right to be independent.
Winchester was my home town. Visiting it yesterday, brought up a few ‘ghosts’ :- memories of my past. Which was good, in the sense of, I could lay them to rest this way. And so collect myself, as it were, from those memories. And move on from them.
I was intending to do 20 Km, to get a feel of what 20 Km is like. But I was going up and down hills, that were steeper than I remembered. So I stopped at 10 Km. I went up (and down) two of Winchester’s hills. The first one being St Catherine’s. this has a wooden staircase up one, which I went up. My vertigo began to kick in half way up the stairs. But I made it up to the top, by gently telling myself I could do it. Going down the hill was the same, but my vertigo was worse. Again I got down by gently telling myself I could. Ie not allowing myself to give in to the fear, by gentle and firm encouragement. The photo is a view from near the top of the steps. Despite not doing the 20 Km, the day was a success. Since I have an idea of how to pace myself on steep inclines :-).